9 things you can do to help a victim of an abusive relationship

Medias are reporting a rise in domestic violence in the past year. As a part of our society and as a women, it is very worrying. This said, public awareness can be beneficial because demystifying abusive relationships can give us tools to act and stop this plague. We can all have an impact.

We think it only happens to others, but how heartbreaking and worrying is it to witness someone we love struggle to get out of an abusive relationship; we feel powerless. As friends and family, how can we help?

In order to show up for her in a healthy way, I feel like you must try to understand what the victim is going through.

I have been in a toxic relationship and I have seen my friends and family helpless while watching me sink in an abusive relationship. They did their best to help me and I finally got out (thank god!).

Looking back, I wish I had known what I needed to successfully get out of the relationship quicker. This is why I want to share how I felt while in a toxic relationship and what actions from my close network really helped me to get out for good. My only wish with this paper is to help other women (and men*) in the same situation I was in (note that I am not a therapist, I am only sharing my experiences, please get professional support if you need to).

How does it feel for the victim?

When I was in an abusive relationship, I remember feeling like I was constantly confused, as if there was a fog in my brain or a veil in front of my eyes. I could not see clearly. I was constantly walking on eggshells and feeling stressed. Gradually, I lost my drive and my spark. Everything felt complicated and heavy. I started to isolate myself and to doubt myself; “was it my fault?”. My productivity at work and my general happiness were affected. I didn’t know who I was anymore, I felt empty and agitated when I was not with him.

I reached out to my friends when I had moments of clarity, usually after a fight. What I needed? To feel safe, to seek relief and to evacuate the negative emotions. They listened to me (a lot), helped me as much as they could, talked me into leaving him. I was pumped and I got the drive to get better and walk away. But I couldn’t leave. So I got back with him, again, going back to that cycle of violence. I could feel the despair and, sometimes, the pity in their eyes — it broke my heart and I felt ashamed.

Offer support within your abilities

It is normal to feel powerless while seeing a friend languish because of an abusive relationship and not being able to get her out of it. She’s still coming to you for advice, and that means she trusts you. It is encouraging. You’ll need to be patient with her and try to stay close to her in the process.

If she’s not ready, she can’t be forced to get out.

This said, please don’t put too much pressure on yourself (or on her); you can’t take all the responsibility. You will only lose your energy, feel frustrated and worry too much if you push too hard and you don’t see the immediate results. It is a long process and you can make a huge difference with small actions.

9 actions to make a victim of domestic abuse feel safe

Based on my experience, here are a few things my friends and family did that really helped me get out of my head and finally get out of the relationship. It might help your friend too. It all comes down to one thing:

Make the victim feel safe.

So, how can we create a safe and open environment for her?

1. Show up for her. Tell her you are there for her and show up for her; she will know she can trust you. Make her feel like she is not a burden.
2. Hold space for her. Make her feel like she’s not alone, listen to her, hug her, love her. This is simple but it is very powerful.
3. Ask questions about her situation. You can’t fully grasp all that she’s going through. Be honest and tell her you don’t understand if you don’t. Ask her questions to seize what she’s saying, feeling or experiencing. You don’t need to find solutions right away, just acknowledge her answers. She will feel seen and understood. In my case, I remember that explaining how I felt helped me clarify my thoughts.
4. Don’t judge her. Try to release all judgement you might have. It is not about blame but really about helping the victim. In my situation, I was already judging myself so much, I was ashamed. I just wanted to feel relieved from these negative emotions.
5. Try not to reject her. I know sometimes it can be hard to keep supporting her if you see her going back to him after a lot of crying and a night of talking her into leaving him — but don’t reject her. Some people might give advice and expect the victim to apply it immediately, but it might take time. When you feel frustrated, try to pause and take a breath. Seeing you calm and fully available will have such an impact. Also, I know that you have your own challenges and you might not always have the energy to attend to her needs, and that’s ok. Tell her that it is not a good time, but let her know when you’ll be available for her.
6. Don’t talk badly about the abuser. Instead of telling her how bad his actions were, ask questions on how she feels about the situation she is talking about, how she perceives him and validate her sensations. Blaming the abuser can be polarizing; the victim might defend him “he’s not that bad” or she might shut down. In my case, I already knew his actions were not OK, saying it out loud and being validated helped me build confidence in my judgement again.
7. Point her to resources. Tell her she’s not the only one and encourage her to get help. Share articles, social media posts, books and movies that might help her in her reflection. I remember that knowing that other women who have gone through similar situations are now getting better brought me hope.
8. Try not to worry too much. As I said earlier, try not to wear the weight of her situation on your shoulders. In my situation, I was feeling so guilty and heavy already; I didn’t want to impose or drain my friends… I didn’t want to be a burden to them and risk losing them.
9. Be vigilant. If you feel her life is threatened, help her find a safe environment to get shelter and call the authorities — if you can, try to involve her in the process or make her do it, it will empower her.

These actions are a few of many that can make her feel safe, supported, and eventually might help her get out of the violent relationship. Again, it is based on my experience, my knowledge (books and therapy I have done) and what I felt I needed at that time, it is not professional advice.

There is hope

When a victim leaves her abuser, it is a huge step. Keep in mind that it is a great victory, but that there are still going to be tough moments where the victim will need support from her close friends. Don’t leave her at that point, she is on the right path and she will need you.

When I finally left for good, I was proud of myself! But I knew that it was the beginning of a long journey back to trusting myself. The relationship damaged me and I still felt anxious, unsafe, hyper vigilant, and exhausted at times… I had to work on myself to overcome the trauma, and that was very demanding. Having strong women (and men) around me inspired me and helped me rise, I don’t know what I would have done without my support system.

I would like to take a moment to acknowledge you — friend, sibling, parent, colleague, new partner… — and say a huge thank you for taking the time to read this and really have the desire to understand and to help your loved one that’s stuck in (or that just got out of) an abusive relationship.

I really hope that my experience and thoughts can change your perspective and influence your approach when helping your friend. That way, you’ll be able to provide her with what she needs and that will make her feel safe and seen. It might have a huge impact and help her get out of the relationship quicker.

There is hope, I have hope. We can all have a positive impact on women around us and help them rise from the ashes to become a beautiful phoenix. Who knows… Maybe one day they will share their story to help others that have been through similar situations… it only takes one person to change the world.

A few notes :

This was my story. Every experience is different, but the patterns and the needs of the victim can be similar.

*Men can also be stuck in abusive relationships, and it can be just as damaging for them. I wrote about women because it is what I know, but it doesn’t take anything away from the pain some men stuck in this type of situation experience. Domestic violence is not OK, no matter the gender, the race or the age.

There are a lot of resources available to help victims of domestic violence no matter the gravity of the situation. Please refer your friend to professional help.

By being aware of domestic violence and try to help people around us that are going through these tough moments, we can help lower the number of manipulated, beaten or murdered women. We can all have an impact, no matter how small the action. Let’s all work together to make it stop.

Here’s a few resources that helped me in my healing process:

Professional help : Phone line SOS domestic violence (in Canada), Trauma informed coach, Psychologist, Osteopath…

Books : Codependant no more — Melody Beattie, Waking the tiger: Healing the trauma — Peter A. Levine, The Universe Has Your Back: Gabby Bernstein

Trainings and podcasts: Tony Robbins trainings, Mark Groves Podcast, Mastin Kipp’s book and workshops

And there’s more… Please leave a comment if you want to get in touch, discuss your situation or get more sources.